Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Welcome to Soroka Speaks. Coaching minds and elevating careers. We're so happy to have you here. We hope that you enjoy this episode and that it supports you to put your potential in motion.
Hello. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Soroka Speaks. I am your co host and Emily, and I am here with the lovely co host.
[00:00:29] Speaker B: It's Claire.
[00:00:30] Speaker A: Welcome to today's episode. We are talking about effective conflict resolution and our personal and professional relationships today. So we're going to take a look at some tools and distinctions that we know have proven valuable for us in our personal lives and our careers and what it means to handle sometimes that stuff that feels incredibly uncomfortable and often avoidant. And how might we deploy the courage necessary to create some resolution amongst those conflicts and really use it as an opportunity that can support your relationship and refine the trust that you have in that capacity, having gone through sometimes challenging times. So that's what we're up to today. We hope you enjoy today's episode. Claire, tell us where we're, where we're starting off.
[00:01:16] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean, it's such an interesting topic for me because I think that, you know, conflict, conflict can happen in so many areas. Right. And I know we want to relate this to our business and leading our teams and our departments and maybe even leading ourselves. And there's so many times that conflict can happen from a breakdown in communication or breakdown in trust or a misalignment with expectations. Right. Someone assumed you were going to do something and you assumed you were doing something else. That breakdown and misunderstanding in the expectation and assumptions can lead down to that breakdown in communication and therefore can cause conflict. So there's many times that this can show up.
And I also think what's important to think about when we, when we're reflecting on conflict or we're in the middle of a conflict situation is the emotion that we have around that as well. Right. Because conflict can create anxiety, it can create anger, it can create frustration. There's so many emotions around that. And it's trying to detach the two situations. It's detaching that emotion from actually what's happening.
[00:02:27] Speaker A: I love that. And, you know, when we teach emotional intelligence, we talk about the difference between the emotion and the story. And that's, I think, something that you're highlighting there too. Right. We none of us are, you know, immune to an emotional experience.
And sometimes we often or can attach significant stories to, to those emotional experiences to the point where the stories outlast the emotion. So an example would be if somebody has Held, you know, a grudge for a particularly long period of time. And I'm not saying that the grudge might not be warranted or evidenced or any of the above. However, what I am suggesting is that the person has become attached to a particular story around an emotional experience where I would put money on. They're not still in that same emotional experience. They might get triggered. They might be able to go back there very easily. But an actual emotional experience, I think research shows, only lasts about like 90 seconds at most or something.
One of the things that. That came to mind as you were sharing is I think it's important when we're talking about this stuff to be. To be able to identify, like, what is a conflict? You know, like, how do we know we're in conflict and how do we know that that conflict may be needing to be resolved? Would you indulge us there?
[00:03:44] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely.
It's. Yeah, it's such. Actually, it's a really interesting question because I never thought about that. You know, how do you know that you're in conflict? Some is very easy, right? There is a physical reaction. Someone can recoil from the conversation, can retreat. I'm not talking about this. And walk off. So there's like the physical elements of. Well, this is obvious that there's now a problem and we're now in conflict. And it can be the tone of voice as well. You know, voices become raised or they become. Perhaps they become very blunt in their. Well, this is what I said to you and this is what I was expecting, and this is what I wanted. And that's not what you've done. And all of a sudden the tone of voice changes, right? The body, the body language, the weight, maybe it's pointing a finger, more arm movements. I know that I can be quite expressive anyway. You know, happy, sad, angry. You know, me, I'm kind of expressive with my. With my hands. But I think that's something. That's some very obvious signs of the conflict. But what about those I thinking about outside of. Not outside the box, but thinking of other ways. Is the people being passive aggressive? You know, what. What did I do? Are you being so passive aggressive to me? As simple as they're no longer talking to me, they're not. They haven't spoken to me all day. But you didn't realize perhaps that you were in conflict until that person is no longer, you know, there's something about.
[00:05:09] Speaker A: Not being on the same page or like not seeing eye to eye, or there's not a comment necessarily like a common perspective. Or viewpoint. And I would imagine that conflict arises when those conflicting viewpoints show up. When something important is at stake, you know, or when something large is at stake, or when something impactful is at stake. And when the parties involved aren't necessarily on the same page, I think maybe that's a safe space, safe assumption, to whatever degree to identify sometimes the conflict. Yeah. So I think it's important we first be able to identify that we're in it. Right. And then what if we've been. Been able to identify that we're in it? Take us through some of those tools that if we're willing to create resolution, which I think maybe is the place we should start. Both parties, all parties need to be willing and, or, or even be willing to create an invitation for the other partner to be willing to. And willing doesn't mean that you're going to change your point of view. Willing doesn't mean that you're wrong or that you're going to give in or any of these things. Willing means that you're open to a dialogue of discussing, you know, what's gone on. So tell us some of these tools. If we're, if all parties are willing, you know, how do we support cultivating resolution?
[00:06:20] Speaker B: Yeah, the most simplest form for me is once you have identified that there's a conflict, you are willing to have that conversation and try and resolve it. It's coming in with the mindset of I'm willing and open to listen. And really, you know, we call that the active listening. It's the most basic form of, of communication. If you like that ability to, to listen and not have that inner narrative that we have inside us that tells us a story alongside whatever the other person is telling us. It's really listening to what they have to say without our own agenda, without our own thoughts, because we're coming to that conflict with our own agenda, with our own thoughts, with our own feedback, with everything, maybe our own conflict of how that situation played out, whether it was in our control, we initiated it or not, we've now got an emotion and a feeling around this conflict. So it's being able to come and, and really be open and reframe that mindset that you're in to say, okay, I'm here and let's move forward and really thinking about, yeah, I wanted to say trust, but we'll touch on trust as well. About the impact that breakdown in conflicts can have is a breakdown in trust. Right. And when you lose trust, that also diminishes your ability to communicate effectively. So, yeah, they're coming in with the open mindset, the active listening. And then I really wanted to talk about the SBA BIA theory that we have. I kind of wanted to pass you that over to you because I think you are incredible at explaining that one.
[00:08:00] Speaker A: Yeah, no problem at all. Thanks for the invitation.
One other point that came to mind, and I was, like, having an internal chuckle to myself when you were sharing was there is, like, active listening, like you were saying, and then there is, like, waiting to speak. Right. And as I was listening to you, I notice, I really want to share the point about whether. Whether you're, you know, sometimes when you're not listening, you're waiting to speak. And then it was like, oh, wow, I'm doing that right now. So it's a natural human condition, of course, but to be mindful of, like, am I in active listening or am I waiting to speak? And I think different environments are going to yield different results in, In. In terms of, okay, in this podcast episode, maybe I should be waiting to speak at times now, you know, relatively speaking only so that we have an agenda and that we're, you know, we're keeping pace and. But in a true, say, a conflict resolution conversation, my real service to that resolution is to show up in my genuine, authentic, deep listening. I mean, that reminds me, before I get to sbi, I'll just share that reminds me of my favorite quote, like, when I think about communication, conflict resolution. I believe their name is Mickey Cash.
[00:09:13] Speaker B: 10. So.
[00:09:14] Speaker A: So forgive me if I'm not giving them credit accurately, but the quote is, true dialogue can only happen if I enter the conversation willing to be changed by it. And when I think about if that willingness is at play, our next step is to have a true dialogue. And a true dialogue can only happen if I enter the conversation willing to be changed by it. Yep.
So I just think that's really beautiful because you don't. You never know what could happen. What kind of magic can brew in kind of inside of a conversation when all parties are showing up with that mindset?
And then I think part of conflict resolution, like, you know, we're suggesting, is this deep listening, is this being heard, is this endeavoring to understand other people's experiences and perspectives, whether you adopt it or you resonate with it or not. And that's what, you know, I believe, brought you to the SBIA model that we use for. For feedback. So it stands for Situation, Behavior, Impact, Agreement. And this gives a very pragmatic way to give feedback. It depersonalizes it because we're now no longer attacking someone's character or personality. We're able to give them very like kind of factual and pragmatic, as I mentioned, feedback. So situation is naming the where and the when. The behavior is what was said, said or done. And again, just naming the facts, not attacking people's character or personalities.
And then the I stands for impact. So what was the impact of what was said or done? And then we transition to agreement, which is all parties involved or whatever, you know, whatever flavor of this feedback conversation as it exists, what are we taking away from it in terms of corrective action that we all agree to that would mitigate this from happening again in the future.
So I wish it sounded cooler than spia, right? Wouldn't it? You know, but that's it. Situation, behavior, impact, agreement.
And we find that that's a really beautiful way to communicate the impact of someone else's behavior or situation as it pertains to us or the business or a client or a result or a relationship, whatever it is. So that's our, that's our SPIA tool for feedback. Have you used that in action anytime recently? Claire?
[00:11:33] Speaker B: I haven't actually feel like life has been a little bit calm, which I really like.
Not that I wish I could have used it because I don't want any conflict in my life. I've had enough of that. But I do think, you know, I do think it is. I think it's a really worthwhile tool and I think it's really important to be able to remove a lot of that emotion because when there's so much emotion around a situation, personally and professionally, you know, if something, something is, has really gone awry within a business and all of a sudden everybody's emotional about it because it's a frustration. We're late on deadlines, we're late to deliver to clients. We've lost an opportunity that automatically changes the mood and the environment in the office.
And I think one of the things that we should touch on as well with the SBIA is when and where to have those conversations. Right? Don't have that. You can don't have that conversation in the middle of the open plan office. Nothing good is going to come from that situation.
Everyone else is going to know about it, everyone's going to have an opinion. It's going to change the entire mood of the office and it's going to perhaps have that knock on effect of how other people perceive the two of you in that conflict or the three of you in that conflict and change Perhaps how they interact with you moving forward. Maybe, you know, they become more afraid of. Well, I don't want to bring any. Anything that might be negative. I don't want to come with. I'm going to be late on my presentation. I don't want to say that there's an issue because I didn't like the way that you reacted to that. Or it could be, I don't know, you. They start losing respect because they saw conflict in the middle of the office. And actually that should be something that happens behind, you know, in a boardroom. That's the conversation. Or let's go out for a coffee because we have no boardroom and we need to get out of this space and we need to go sit in an open space where there is, you know, that changes everyone's mood immediately. Right. Because you remit, you change the environment and therefore you change the way that you approach that conversation as well. I think that's a really important thing.
[00:13:44] Speaker A: I love that you're suggesting that tact is not only timing, it is also environment beauty.
[00:13:51] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:13:52] Speaker A: So we want to talk a little bit about after, you know, we've been able to have some of these conversations. We're aligned with resolution, perhaps we've even created it. Now we need to rebuild the relationship. So what happens in the aftermath of conflict resolution?
[00:14:08] Speaker B: Yeah, I think, you know, looking, if we use the sbia, looking at that agreement is the. Is the first way. And even if you haven't gone through that, you know, you've just resolve that in communication, it's making sure that you're both then singing from the same hymn sheet. Did we fully resolve everything? Are we in agreement of. Even if you don't agree how that happened, it's we agree that that's how to move forward. Right. How do we not get in that place of conflict again?
How do we communicate better? Do we set more? You know, it could be as simple as that. Agreements versus assumptions. Uh, what you thought was you was going to get is not what you was going to deliver. Da, da, da.
And it could be, we agree on every new project, every new deliverable, every task is done either in a task management system with clear bullet points of expectations and deliverables, or it's done on an email and that's what you agree how to move forward.
You know, that's in the most basic form. Make sure when you leave that conversation, you actually don't just say, yeah, okay, to. To resolve it. And you walk away feeling unresolved. It's going to rear Its ugly head. And you're not in agreements to move forward.
[00:15:23] Speaker A: That's. Yeah. A really valid point. You know, I love that saying from the same hidden sheet. Yeah, Beautiful. Exact metaphor. And then I think it's time is needed. Right. What we need to do then after conflict resolution, if we're both committed or all parties are committed to repairing the relationship, we have to compound our reliability over time with that person. And that's what will, you know, solidify or repair any damage to the foundation that's been done in the relationship.
[00:15:55] Speaker B: Right.
[00:15:56] Speaker A: So it's consistently delivering on your word, consistently being in communication, consistently following through with those new agreements. And over time, as that compounds, you will heal and repair the fracture that was once in your relationship. But it takes something. It's going to require something of all parties. I suppose we could do a whole other episode on what happens if one person, one party isn't willing, doesn't have that willingness part.
And perhaps maybe there's an episode around boundaries and windows of tolerance that we might get into at a future date. Any final or closing thoughts you want to share in terms of conflict resolution and effective communication and repairing our relationships after them in the aftermath?
[00:16:40] Speaker B: Yeah, I think my final thought on this is just. It's that saying, like, treat others as we would like to be treated. Right. So it is that mutual respect. You may not. They may not be your person. They may, you know, you may have different values, you may work differently. We all come from different backgrounds, different upbringings. We've had different experiences in life that shaped who we are. So it's just having that understanding that no matter what, we still have to be respectful and we have to find a way of coexisting in a respectful and safe environment.
You don't have to go for a beer with them after work. You don't have to go for Sunday lunch with their family and friends. But you do have to coexist in a. In a professional environment.
And it's just coming at it from, it's okay that we're different. It's okay that, you know, you might not be my person. It's also okay that we had conflict and now we know each other's boundaries. We know, you know, we have an agreement of how to communicate and how to exist, coexist for the good of not only yourself, but the business.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: Beautiful. Well, we hope you're taking away some nuggets today, and we thank you so much for joining us and tuning in to this episode of Soroka Speaks. And we will see you next time. Thanks for being here. Ciao for now.
[00:18:05] Speaker B: Thanks.
