Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Welcome to Soroka Speaks. Coaching minds and elevating careers. We're so happy to have you here. We hope that you enjoy this episode and that it supports you to put your potential in motion.
What's up everyone? This is your co host of Soroka Speaks, Emily Haruko Lieb. And I am here with my beautiful and lovely co host, it's Claire. And today we are going to be talking about emotional intelligence and we're talking about emotional intelligence as it relates to or, or rather looking at EQ through the lens of adult friendships. We thought that this was an interesting topic that, you know, I don't think a lot of people talk about. I talk about it maybe at times in, in some close inner circles, but I think as we age and you know, Claire and I dare I say are both midlife if you will, but not really a 27th anyways, but really looking at how friendships evolve throughout our life and relating that back to, I think, you know, how sustainable and long term relationships are going to probably be based with or on like a high level of emotional intelligence on either side. So I wanted to start off by just sharing this distinction around EQ that I find is really helpful. And so I guess, you know, where it all starts is basically that every human on every quarter of the planet is susceptible to feeling and experiencing emotions. And the way that we're raised and the culture that we grew up in and our societal influences all shape part of the way we experience or feel things. Right. Our emotions. But nobody, no living creature in fact, is free from experiencing these emotions, including plants, animals and humans. Right. So any sentient being, what I think is really interesting between all of those sentient beings, the human beings are the ones that attach so much to their emotional experience.
So the distinction that I say is basically there's a, there's a distinction between the emotion that you're experiencing and the story that you're attaching to it. And I'm not saying that your story is bad or wrong, but your story is not your emotion. So you know, you may feel sad because your dog died and that is of course totally natural, but there are two different things happening. You're experiencing a loss and a sadness as an emotion and then there is this sort of grief or attachment or story because of how much, you know, you've loved your, your, your dog. So we wanted to start there a little bit by noticing the way that our emotions show up in these adult friendships and maybe some of the stories that we have associated with them. So Claire, tell us a little bit about maybe what are we going to go over today and, like, what are we going to cover? And then, you know, dive in and guide us into the conversation.
[00:03:04] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. And I think it is really, really important, actually, that distinction that you just mentioned between, you know, the emotion and the story, because I think sometimes when we. When something happens and there's a breakdown in communication in our friendships and in business, but in our friendships is what we're touching on today. It's, you know, we create a story around that as well, and then that can heighten the emotions and can affect the communication style. And we can touch on this through this episode, for sure. But what we want to also talk about today is talking about our values and making sure that they're aligned, but you know, between yourself and your friends as well, because sometimes there's a disconnect as we grow older. The way that we show up in our friendships, the way that we show up for ourselves can change now. Our beliefs can change, our mindset can change. We're ever evolving humans. And sometimes our friendships cannot just unfortunately stand the test of time with that, and some do, and we can talk about that as well. So I really want to talk about our values, and I want to talk about our boundaries and how to know, you know, how. How do our boundaries change as we grow up? How do they change as our situations change and what to do actually when things do break down and there is no. There's kind of no other way forward, you know, is there a right time to walk away from friendships that no longer serve us and how do we do that? But I would. There's so many important things to talk about and so much we can say today and so many examples that you and I have. But I would love to start, if you would, with explaining what relational blueprint is for me, please.
[00:04:45] Speaker A: Beautiful. We were talking before the podcast around, like, what this emotional intelligence piece is. And I think I mentioned. Because actually our. Our Harvey, our growth and marketing manager, mentioned, you know, when we were talking about this topic for a podcast around the relational blueprint. And so I was explaining to Claire what this means to me and, like, what I understand it to mean to Harvey as well, and what the concept in itself means. And it's sort of like your guiding principle for what, you know, you need in relationships. Right. And this could be for romantic or platonic relationships. It's understanding. Your blueprint is understanding, you know, what you need inside of that. So, you know, I can kind of give you an example that actually A dear friend of mine was giving is, you know, they have grew up with like a troubled relationship with their mom, perhaps maybe some narcissistic qualities. And so, you know, as they were maturing, like this sort of need for more validation and more check ins and you know, more connection with their friends, you know, with the family that they've chosen because maybe they weren't necessarily getting that from their biological family or those needs weren't being met at home, so to speak.
So understanding that, that so for me it's like understanding that that's what this person needs inside of our friendship. I can show up differently for them. It's also, here's one thing about my blueprint and I have ended and lost friendships because my blueprint didn't match with, with someone else's in this capacity. And that is I know the dear and closest people to me are the ones that maybe sometimes the relationship gets neglected and you're not in close communication. Claire, you and I are a perfect example of this. There was, you know, years that we were not in communication and not for any particular reason other than we were, you know, professional friends. And we, we, you know, life took us in our separate ways, career did, and as soon as we reconnected, we picked up right where we left off and the synergy and the communication was there. And that was after probably, gosh, I don't know, nine, eight, nine years maybe.
[00:06:57] Speaker B: Yeah, I was gonna say I. Yeah, yeah, right.
[00:07:01] Speaker A: So that's an example for me. I know in my blueprint what works for me is like I need to be able, I need a lot of grace in my communication. I'm a single mom of two, I run my own business. I don't have, I only have so much capacity and I know that about myself. And that doesn't work for some people. You know, gosh, I'm going on a tangent, but here's the other distinction that I think is really important because you need to know the friendships that you want to invest in, especially as an adult because we are so like time poor and under resourced and you know, navigating a wild world and some of us doing that like with children and dough. The friendships that I know I want to invest in are the ones that have the greatest range. So, so they fill my cup in so many different domains. There's, you know, a playful component. There is a seriousness and a depth and a vulnerability and a rawness. If you're friends with friends with me, there's probably like some, you know, playful fun, party, recreational Good times side.
And so when I know, you know, with you and I, Claire now we've bridged this into doing business, you know, together successfully for almost two years. And so for me, like, it's that range that is so important to me. Those are the people that I want to invest in. And it's very rare that I meet people that I have that range with. So knowing that about myself would be part of what my relational blueprint is in a, in a roundabout way. I hope that makes sense.
[00:08:31] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely does. And I, I agree with you on that. And I think that, you know, we, I've had friendships that I've lost over the years and part of that came with my divorce. So some people didn't, didn't agree with me getting a divorce, right. They thought that I was wrong about that. Some people didn't agree that I was a career woman and I traveled and left. I mean, my kids were home with, it was my husband at the time. You know, they were very well loved, very well cared for. But there were certain people that didn't agree with my, my career choice and thought that I should be a stay at home mom and things like that. And so I learned to accept very, not early on, but I learned to kind of understand what my values were and see where other people's, other people tried to put their values on me. And it was a misalignment and in doing that felt like it was causing me shame for my choices. And I honestly had to remove myself from some of those friendships because it was completely misaligned. It was making me feel awful about myself. Even though my kids are incredibly happy, my husband was fine.
And it now I realized it no longer served me to have them as my friendships, groups. And I think, you know, the people that we value the most and the people that we love the most and we welcome into our hearts and into our lives, they can, you know, they can have opinions and we go to them with our most trusted, deepest, darkest secrets, but at the same time they come in and this is what friendship is. They come in without that judgment of us. So they love you unconditionally no matter what you're going through or you may have made like the worst mistake, right? You may have done something. They're like, what possessed you to do that? Right? They might, but they will still love you and they will still support you through no matter what is going on. And I think that's where I've been very aware of my friendships. Not that I've done anything, you know, Drastic or, you know, anything of severity. But for some people, my divorce was. Leaving my husband was the end of the world to them, you know, and I nearly. And I did lose some friendships, and I nearly lost others. And I've managed to, you know, navigate all of that and realized actually who's important in my life. And for the reasons that you say, you know, they give you grace, they give you the freedom to be who you want to be, and they love you unconditionally. And I think for me, that is so important.
[00:11:02] Speaker A: You know, for me, you really just described, like, what is the difference between what is an acquaintance versus what is a friend. And I think that the other piece that I heard there actually so many things. The bottom line of what I. Part of what I. You shared at the beginning was your relational blueprint is understanding your values. That is your relational blueprint. Exactly. It's just knowing, like, you know, what works for you inside relationship, what do you value? Where do your boundaries lay within those, like, with those values? I think with. In terms of the growth piece or like, you. You said something that, you know, reminded me that so often we get, you know, especially maybe when more so when we're younger, but we get in these friend circles or these, you know, communities where people then expect us to show up a particular way, right? So if I was like, you know, always the party girl, always the party girl, always the party girl. And then all of a sudden I'm taking my life more seriously and my health more seriously, my ambition kicks in, I start changing, then what happens at that point is I tried to continue to spend time with and invest energy with the people that I've been cultivating, like that party version of myself. They're going to expect me to be that way, right?
[00:12:15] Speaker B: So this is.
[00:12:15] Speaker A: This is where community and the people that are that surround us, they can impact.
Impact our growth, they can impact our progress. And when we're not aligned, if those people are expecting us to be a particular way, I think that's the boundary in terms of owning, you know, if relationships really serve you, aligned with, you know, the future you're living into and the version of yourself that you want to create.
[00:12:41] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, one thing that. One thing that I have come to understand as is that I love to surround myself with women that make me want to be better and that make, you know, they are inspiring to me in some way. They don't have to be the same as me. My best friend, I said to her recently, I'm like, how Are you still my best friend after 30 years? Because I. Sometimes I'm just a crazy person. I'm like a whirlwind that comes in, and there's all this just stuff surrounding me. You know, I'm. I'm loud. I'm. You know, I'm outgoing. I'm always the one that's the loudest, you know, will get start drinking, and my voice goes up, and I'm always. Not always the last one out, but I am out of me and her. And, you know, I travel all the time, and I've always got stuff going on, and I'm always working, and there's always a project in my house and all. And she's just like. We're like Ying and Yang. You know, I calm you down, you bring up my confidence, and, you know, you inspire me to keep going and things like that. And we've almost grown together. And her mannerisms and the way that she carries herself, it's inspiring to me. You know, the way that she's built her confidence from being so. So quiet and shy to now she's a confidence coach of other women. She is completely, like, full circle.
[00:13:59] Speaker A: And.
[00:13:59] Speaker B: And it's so inspiring to me. And that's something that I've realized, You know, it's not that I need something from the friendships. It's just that when I. When I have built. I've built my circle, those types of people, I'm like, yes, you just inspire me every day to be better and to, you know, love watching what you do. I love when you got wins. I love when you achie you and you're proud of yourself. I love it when something great happens for you or when you just did a 1k run. That's all you did, or you just finished a book that you thought you would never read, you haven't read since school, and now all of a sudden you're reading. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so proud of you. Oh, it's that. That I really.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: My friendships. Yeah. People in your corner rooting for you. Yeah. Genuinely, you know.
[00:14:44] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
[00:14:45] Speaker A: That which you have capacity. All right, well, to kind of wrap things up. I think, you know, part of the emotional intelligence piece is also being able to discern and execute on when something isn't, you know, feeding your soul or, you know, nurturing and.
[00:15:03] Speaker B: And.
[00:15:03] Speaker A: And as adults inside of these platonic relationships, how do we consciously navigate through those. Or maybe you navigate through those endings or transitions unconsciously? Not my preferred choice. And I think sometimes that Means, you know, having uncomfortable conversations. I'm never, I'm not a ghoster. I just can't. I'm not. That's. That wouldn't be my way that I would end relationships. But I think I want to say like permission that it's okay to like break up in your platonic relationships too when it's not serving you anymore. And you can do that with, with love and grace and still well wishes for, you know, animosity. Right. That's my point. What's your take on, you know, completion and when to walk away if, if or if you should in these adult relationships, friendships.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: It's so hard because I'm not a ghoster. But I also, I really hate uncomfortable conversations. I really hate it. I hate conflict. And even though, you know, my ex husband is so as argumentative or whatever, like I actually really hate conflict. I will stand my ground. I will not, you know, I will stick up for myself and stand my ground, but I really hate that. Oh God. So I kind of, I mean I haven't broke, broke up with anyone friendship wise for a really long time. But for me I used to almost just phase out. I'm like kind of just going to phase these friendships out until they no longer really have a purpose. Like I'm not serving a purpose in their life and they're not serving a purpose in mine. So it's really kind of stepping away and you know, just. I don't know. Yeah, not from a ghosting perspective. Just for me I found I actually like it when people do, you know what I mean? Like if, if they start facing out.
[00:16:42] Speaker A: Me and it's not always necessary to have a closing clearing conversation. Absolutely not. I think what all I'm suggesting is be willing to if that's what's needed. You know, that's also a boundary setting. It is really boundary setting if you need to.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. And I do recognize that as well. And I think, you know, reflection. Would there have been maybe, maybe there would have been one or two in historically that I could have done that and, and handle that.
[00:17:10] Speaker A: Hosting is also a boundary in its own way. And like just what works for some people doesn't work for other maybe. I'm not saying I'll never do that. It's just like hasn't been my M.O. in the past. But maybe I'll try to put it into action. I'm open. I don't, I don't seek out confrontation but I also don't shy away from it. You know, I don't invite it but where something needs to be addressed then. And in that sense, I have. I can think of four friendships in the last six years that have. That. I have, like, platonic girlfriend relationships that have, like, consciously ended.
[00:17:45] Speaker B: Yeah. But if it no longer serves you, you know, it's one uncomfortable conversation versus months of feeling uncomfortable and not knowing where anyone stands.
[00:17:56] Speaker A: And that's the emotion versus the story piece. So it's like the emotion is fleeting. Right. The emotion is going to go through you, but we end up hanging on to all of these stories and reasons. And, you know, and that's, I think, why the wisdom to know, like, when does a relationship need to be nurtured and healed and repaired versus, like, okay, is this. Is this actually, like, out of alignment? And that's, like, very clear that, like, there should be a, you know, an evolution of whatever this relationship is.
[00:18:24] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think. Do you think that also comes down to, like, trusting our intuition? Yeah, I think that's so powerful as well, isn't it? When we think of the friendships. And I also think, I like about regret. Do we regret walking away from friendships or do we regret staying in the. In the friendships as well? Which one is how you look at that as well?
[00:18:44] Speaker A: And you may never know because, you know, like, how are you to know, really, in the long run? Yeah, I think.
I think what I notice about myself a couple things related to what you just said is, one is, like, I have a tendency to be a people pleaser. I know a lot of people do. I'm a two on the Enneagram, if anybody is an Enneagram fan listening, which means I'm, like, just hardwired for, like, people's approval. And I want them to like me. And it's really been empowering to understand. Understand that aspect of who I am. Like, as. As an Enneagram, too. Like, through the lens of the Enneagram. And in that there's been, like, permission as I've matured and gotten older and, you know, cultivated more confidence that, you know, I don't have to take that route. But. And what I notice it as it relates to the adult friendships is, like, it'll be very clear to me that, like, I probably shouldn't be in relationship with this person anymore. Like, just all of the signs are there, you know, but that too, in me. Or, like, the people pleaser in me is like. Or the part of me that, like, cherishes all the good times that we had or, like, only remembers or sees the good things. I think I do that too. Like, I glorify. I kind of glorify or have a tendency to forget the bad stuff and glorify the good stuff. So it's like, I sometimes like the people pleaser. Me is like seeking to get back to that place, you know, with that person, potentially, even though it's been really clear. So that's like. That's also the emotional intelligence piece is like noticing when the people pleaser shows up and it's like, oh, do I really want this? No, I don't. Or maybe it's, yes, I do, too. So, yeah. So let us know your thoughts if you're listening. We would love to hear your thoughts on adult friendships and how they evolve from our early to midlife and beyond.
[00:20:21] Speaker B: And if you have any great advice, we would love to hear it.
[00:20:25] Speaker A: Yeah, for sure.
All right, well, on that note, thank you for listening. Thanks for being here. We hope that you enjoyed this episode and that you gained some tools or some insights around your own emotional intelligence, boundaries, values, your relational blueprint, and maybe how to chuckle or two. Thanks for spending this time with us, and we will see you next time. Ciao for now.
[00:20:46] Speaker B: Bye, everyone.
